Author Archive

Parenting Styles Revisited

Many early childhood gurus suggest that authoritative parenting is the most democratic style of creating a fair, and balanced adult child. Authoritative parents typically instill confidence, security and empathy in their children. It is likely that these parents also grew up in homes where their parents were secure in themselves and created a loving atmosphere of trust, emotional stability and balance. Authoritative parents tend to raise children who are well-adjusted and have a healthy sense of self-worth. These parents raised their children in an environment that emphasized mutual respect, healthy boundaries, kindness, compassion and empathy. Expectations and goals are age appropriate. The importance of helping and giving is taught from an early age.

Authoritarian parenting can create a competitive atmosphere, speckled with anxiety, humiliation and embarrassment. Raising children in this manner can result in adults who are angry, resentful and bitter towards the successes of others. Authoritarian parents tend to be insecure, and can dominate through threats, neglectful, passive-aggressive discipline and behavior. Blow-ups, silent treatment, insults and aggressiveness can title this style. Authoritarian parenting can create adults with a rainbow of personalities ranging from passive to difficult.

Levels of insecurity in parents may lead to setting irrational, unrealistic, and unattainable goals for their children. Here are two very different scenarios. A child may have grown up in an authoritative home in which their mother either didn’t go to or was able to afford a post high school education. This mother’s children may have post baccalaureate degrees. Yet, this mother has the will and courage to move past the insecurities and family upbringing to become the mother she didn’t have, by encouraging, motivating and inspiring each of her children. This healthy mom would be on the frontlines of their successes, congratulating and showing their support, even during difficult times or at their first major success. On the same token, the supportive mom may be too involved, and set unrealistic, unattainable goals (goals she would set for herself, if she were able to afford school).

Scenario two: Now, take this same mom with a completely different perspective, but of the authoritarian style, passive personality. Visualize a mother who is withdrawn, passive and resolute. She discourages, minimizes and compares the success of her children to something unimportant and without value. The resolute mother’s adult children may then find themselves clamoring to please and gain her support, recognition and happiness. When in reality, what may make this mother feel important, is to have a child who is beneath her, in intelligence, career and position.

Most families see your potential to succeed, but others see it as a means to tell you what you “should” be doing and thinking. Families that see the potential in their siblings, want to help them be successful and do so by saying positive things, lifting them up and publicly encouraging and even bragging about their successes. Seeing others as successes, in spite of their failures or disappointments, contributes to a healthy balance of emotional maturity. Living in the past, doting on past failures, weaknesses and what “could” have done better, only promotes an atmosphere of sadness and disappointment. Have you known some of the people in your family to sell you out to a relative or significant other?

Who you are today, depends on what you want to be. Are you willing to do the work to change what happened to you or who you became in the past? Or, are you content with yourself? Your past does not have to dictate your personality today, you do.

A Successful Transition to Adulthood for My Child With Autism

All parents worry about their child’s future. Many of us wonder what our children will be like when they grow up. Will they go to college, join the military, find a good job and be financially independent? Will they have healthy relationships and become parents themselves?

Are the concerns of a parent of a child with an Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD) any different? Except for some young adults who come back home to live with mom and dad (temporarily one hopes), parents of neuro-typical children don’t usually worry if their child will be able to live independently. Unfortunately, worrying that your child will be able to live an independent life as an adult is a very big concern for parents with children on the Autism spectrum.

How will my child transition to adulthood?

How do I make sure my daughter can manage on her own when she is an adult?

What will happen to my son when I am not around anymore?

These are not the cries of parents whose children have ordinary needs but those of moms and dads whose children have the special needs that come with a diagnosis of an Autism Spectrum Disorder.

Our assignment as parents is to prepare our children for a life of independence, regardless of our child’s level of ability. This is not a job that we can or should postpone. This is a task that should begin early on, like the bank account or college fund some parents are able to set up at birth. But we all know that every child’s independence extends beyond the financial aspect and has more to do with acquiring basic life skills and mastering daily living tasks.

This journey begins with having a positive vision for your child’s future.

What kind of person do you want your son to be as an adult?

What opportunities would you like to make available to your daughter?

Seeing your child as capable of all possibilities is an important mindset to have because what we focus on grows.

Once a dream for your child’s future is drafted in your mind, the next and most important step is to determine how you are going to help your child get from point A to point B as you focus on your child’s unique talents. This is a process that can begin at birth and will be tweaked along the way as your child helps you shape it.

Here are some things parents need to pay attention to when planning and working towards an independent future for their child.

- Start now to expand your child’s social skills. Knowing how to relate to others is a better indicator of success then a person’s IQ according to Daniel Goleman, author of Emotional Intelligence: Why It Can Matter More Than IQ. Social skills groups and social thinking classes are great for children with Autism but never underestimate the power you have as a parent to enhance your child’s ability to socialize appropriately.

- Help your child develop self-advocacy skills. When our children are young we need to be their advocate but as they grow the balance needs to shift into their court as much as possible if they are to achieve and maintain independence. Every day provides numerous opportunities for teaching self-advocacy skills and it begins with encouraging your child to make choices – choices for dressing, meals, play activities, and even choices for which chores to do around the house. Role modeling advocacy skills for your children will also help.

- Educate your child about Autism Spectrum Disorders and where he falls on the continuum. The more informed your child is about her uniqueness, the more empowering it is – especially when done in an empathic manner, always being mindful of where she is developmentally and what she is able to understand. If you start taking baby steps in this direction now your child will grow to be better able to embrace herself as is and access the amazing potential that exists beyond the label that has been given to her.

- Get to know the laws inside and out. If your child receives special education services don’t wait until she is in high school to familiarize yourself with the laws that can empower her. There are three laws that overlap to protect you and your child with an ASD that you need to become familiar with right away: Individuals with Disabilities Education Act (IDEA), Section 504 of the Vocational Rehabilitation Act, and the Americans with Disabilities Act (ADA). You also want to stay informed of the No Child Left Behind Act of 2001, signed into law by President Bush on Jan. 8, 2002, which expands the federal role in education by improving the educational lot of disadvantaged students.

If nothing else, remember to hold on to hope. Don’t judge or make assumptions about your child’s potential to live independently based on other children with Autism. As the saying goes, “Once you have met one child with Autism, you have met ‘one’ child with Autism.” Your child is unique and his journey to adulthood should be customized to his abilities, not his disabilities.